Forum.forSuicideSurvivors.com

Scott's lost mom · Joined: 10 Jul 2010 Posts: 198 Location: oak creek, wi

I think the pills do help with auto-pilot. I am on lexpro and seroquel. I asked the Dr what happens when I am off them, does the feelings overwhelm again? He said it will be a long time by then, and I will have dealt with my feelings. Idiot!

I lose time if I sit down with the computer. I can look up and have 4 hours pass. I am trying to be careful and stay focused because there are so many things to get done. It isn't because I care, because I don't. Just working through the lists.

My staff is having a hard time without me. They sent flowers again yesterday and called. I just can't imagine going back to work right now.
_________________
Scott's lost mom
Scott left me on 6/16/10
He is 21, perfect, strong, brilliant, a senior in college, and a cadet major. He is my heart and I don't know why he didn't take me with him. I never wanted him to be alone.

lucystarr · Joined: 12 Jul 2010 Posts: 22 Location: Wisconsin

These posts leave me in tears. I am so sorry any of us are sitting here on this site.
My first child died before his 3rd birthday from cancer. I thought his death was hard but I had prepared for it. I still couldn't tolerate the pain of losing him so I pushed the feelings down and covered them over with a food addiction just like others use drugs or alcohol. I have since dealt with the food addiction and pain of his loss.
I had just regained my life and then Shane was taking away from me. I am unable to use food like I use to because of surgery but I contantly find I want SOMETHING, ANYTHING to take away this empty, horrible, unbearable feeling inside.
Yet I don't want to take anything to cover up my sadness for him or leave me numb. It makes me feel like I am cheating him out of something by not living the totality of the grief I have. I guess I feel a need to in some ways punish myself for not knowing he was in trouble and stopping him.
_________________
Sweet, funny, loving Shane lost 6/11/10. He was the light in the darkness and the love that filled my heart.

Salvette · Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:34 am Post subject:

I can't tell you if or when it will get better for you, but I promise it will get easier over time, and yes, the nicotine is stuck all over everything in my house. I pay bills online so I just did the bare essentials for awhile, my husband don't have a clue, so I was just on automatic pilot and so angry for a long time because of other family issues, I think it was probably a few weeks before it really sunk in, I kept trying to go to work, which was part time, but I would start crying in front of a patient, wth! So I sit here as well with my pack of Marlboro's, my Xanax, and probably 4 other medications I take, NOTHING takes the pain away, but might help when I have at least a weekly meltdown. My opinion is, medications may help to temporaryily numb or push down the pain, it won't make it go away and you certainly don't want to become addicted and have more problems, but I don't feel I'm pushing anything down because I already feel numb, it's a rare day I don't.

Back in May my husband went camping and I was certain I was going to be in a ball in the corner crying every day, but suprisingly it was almost like I could breath. I had the house all to myself, I could breath, I could scream, cry if I needed to. But I actually enjoyed the time alone, and cleaned the crap out of my kitchen AND oven. Who cleans their oven. My best advice is to keep busy doing anything. And to SCOTT'S MOM, I have the laptop on my lap literally any time I'm home, I actually have a burn on my leg from my old one that would overheat. If I didn't have the internet, and this site especially, I'm sure I would have lost it months ago. OK ladies, time for coffee and the cats are staring at me wondering where the heck their food is. After that, I'm changing PJ's and CLEANING THE CRAP OUT OF THIS WHOLE HOUSE!
_________________
"You are the Wind Beneath My Wings"
I hope you have found peace now daddy, I love you forever! Can't wait to see you on the other side. ~ 1940-2010~
Tattoo Pics: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31354750&l=7e76de2b7c&id=1015258011

Mamacita · Joined: 10 Jul 2010 Posts: 76 Location: Cambridge Ontario

My daughter Staci died on May 14, 2010. I also don't clean anymore. I live alone and what a mess I'm in right now. I have a lot of my daughter's belongings-----clothes, furniture, photos etc. all around me. I didn't grocery shop for about 7 weeks after she died.
I can sit on my sofa for hours on the computer or doing some small bit of paperwork etc. Really accomplishing nothing much. I keep hoping the next day will be better but honestly so far it never is.
Every morning it hits me again that this is for real. Not just a nightmare.
Often when the phone rings I think it might be Staci calling. I was waiting for a phone call from her that never came so now I feel as if I'm still waiting.
Tough times for all of us. The thing I most dislike is "putting on the front" when with other people who think I should be getting over this already. It's only been two and a half months since she died and people are saying,"Are you starting to feel better?"
I answer honestly and say that no, actually it's worse because as the numbness subsides the reality and pain sets in more than ever.
Staci's Mom, Lynda
_________________
Stop and smell the roses

Salvette · Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 6:23 pm Post subject:

Well i can say for me, after about 2 months it defin. got worse, guess it was really sinking in, and Easter, Dad's Birthday and Father's Day were all in that time, horrible on those days, weekends are the worst for me, that would always be when my dad would come over. I have barely cleaned anything in 5 months, vacuum yes, my husbands cleans the bathroom, I keep the kitchen tidy but I just would look at how dirty the windows were and feel overwhelmed. Thank god I don't need to worry about getting a job as I was until April, I'm still an f'ing mess and don't see it getting much better. I too sometimes would pick up the phone out of habit, or, if it rang, for a split second I would think "that's probably my dad calling". I still wake up every morning, and that is the first thing that pops in my mind, that my dad is gone.
_________________
"You are the Wind Beneath My Wings"
I hope you have found peace now daddy, I love you forever! Can't wait to see you on the other side. ~ 1940-2010~
Tattoo Pics: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31354750&l=7e76de2b7c&id=1015258011

manda5839 · Joined: 07 Jul 2010 Posts: 23 Location: Issaquah, WA

I stay in bed untill 4 :30 pm today! I feel exactly like both of you. I can't do anything either. I dont shower like i used to. do my make like i used to or hair. I was an Extremely "Girly girl". Cute clothes, shoes, obsessed with purses, make up hair and everything! Now just flip flops, tenni shoes old ugly jeans and a tank or whatever. Ny hair needs to be cut and colored, sometimes i feel so weak i can barely use a hair dryer. I cook lately, (even though i cant eat, and i always end up overcooking or burning it!) - it seems to be the only thing that can get my mind off my stepdad for one minute. But it seems like he is still in the back of my head even when i feel like im not thinking of him. Does anyone understand what i mean by that? I might be sounding crazy because i feel like im goiong crazy. His one month of his passing was about a week half ago. But one month of us finding out was the 29th of july. I should have called him on Fathers day, i thought about it but didnt do it. I batttle that thought everysingle day. I know banned well its not my fauly he had ALOT of crappy things going on his life that was spiraling down. But i still feel that way atleast once a day. From reading your posts, I feel exactly what you two are describing. I
_________________
~Every Waking Moment I think of you~

manda5839 · Joined: 07 Jul 2010 Posts: 23 Location: Issaquah, WA

Oh, haha. My post just now was replying to the First page of this topic. I got confused when i saw my post and there were lost of other posts i didnt see before. Silly me- Another sign im losing my mind maybe?
_________________
~Every Waking Moment I think of you~

Mamacita · Joined: 10 Jul 2010 Posts: 76 Location: Cambridge Ontario

No, you're not going crazy-----at least no more than the rest of us!
You'll notice a lot of people on here who are normally quite intelligent I bet, are making mistakes of all kinds in spelling etc. I once posted back to someone and used the wrong name.
It's all just a sign that our brains are completely overwhelmed. Our brains are like computers that are just too full of information right now and they won't take anymore in.
Burning food, forgetting the milk out on the counter, forgetting EVERYTHING is just a part of this tragedy. My psychologist told me last year with the PTSD that the more you worry about the memory lapses, the worse it will get because that adds more stress to your already overworked brain.
I'm the same as you when you didn't make that phone call and I have endless guilt about not phoning Staci the night before she died. I will never forgive myself for that.

It's all part of this horrible journey we're on.

Staci's Mom,
Lynda
_________________
Stop and smell the roses

manda5839 · Joined: 07 Jul 2010 Posts: 23 Location: Issaquah, WA

I am misspelling words like crazy! I used to always get B or A's in English too. I always did so well in that class. I have always been a great speller out of all my friends and grammar and everything. Now I look at what i write, and since im trying to type out my emotions so fast and hysterically it adds to confusing sentances and mispelled words and other things. I type and think and feel so fast nothing comes out making much sense. I also dont read what i wrote right before pushing the post button. Here is a good example- I was replying to this post or topic or whatever, and totally forgot i was in the addiction section till now when i just looked up above this type box. I'm guessing i probably ended up on this topic bc I have been trying to numb my pain with alcohol alot lately. more than necessary. But it's so contradicting because when i start drinking is when i get SUPER emotional and then cry for hours and hours on end. Nothing about me makes sense anymore....I'm starting to see more and more things about me that are different. It's so weird...On top of Death (plus suicide esp.) being so painful, why is it that we (atleast me) change ? It's painful enough, why do I have to change? I dont like change and i dont want to. I know that is life, and i have to deal with it. I just simply hate it.
_________________
~Every Waking Moment I think of you~

manda5839 · Joined: 07 Jul 2010 Posts: 23 Location: Issaquah, WA

PS- I used to be the happiest drinker anyone knew! Now it's so different. I think its even scaring my friends away. Who wants to drink with an emotional mess of a person? I know i used to stay away from those kinds of drinkers. But now i am one. Sucky.
_________________
~Every Waking Moment I think of you~

Mamacita · Joined: 10 Jul 2010 Posts: 76 Location: Cambridge Ontario

Please don't overlook the fact that alcohol is a depressant.
I've stayed right away from alcohol since my daughter died. Even a pill, clonazepam, given to me as an anti-anxiety pill which helped me sleep was a terrible depressant to me so I would cry and cry the next day and feel suicidal.

I would honestly suggest to really limit or cut out the drinking for now. This journey is difficult enough. I saw what the booze did to my poor daughter when she added it to her prescription pills. Horrendous!

We don't have much control over our minds right now it seems but we can control what we put into our bodies.

Good luck,
Lynda
_________________
Stop and smell the roses

manda5839 · Joined: 07 Jul 2010 Posts: 23 Location: Issaquah, WA

I know its no good to drink at a time like this. especially the way i am. I know i should not drink. Its very hard.
_________________
~Every Waking Moment I think of you~

Scott's lost mom · Joined: 10 Jul 2010 Posts: 198 Location: oak creek, wi

I agree drinking is bad.

2 margaritas and I was certifiable. Do you ever wonder about others that drink? I look at everyone cross eyed lately, but I wonder what they feel when they drink.

We need spellcheck...
_________________
Scott's lost mom
Scott left me on 6/16/10
He is 21, perfect, strong, brilliant, a senior in college, and a cadet major. He is my heart and I don't know why he didn't take me with him. I never wanted him to be alone.

Ronnie Walker · Posted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 6:19 am Post subject:

SweetSweet Nick · Joined: 29 Jun 2010 Posts: 53 Location: north carolina

I finally got a picture to work.....somehow I made it to work this week...went in crying ....freaked everyone out.....oh well....I just shut my door ... I have lost so much weight, my clothes are falling off & my wedding rings falling off too. I really look like crap...& I really don't care
_________________
SweetSweet Nick